each day is a triumph, even if you have to tell yourself that

I met the devil at dawn, told him I was not going to be joining him today, and he wept. And i have told him this for some days now, so he weeps, but i still love him.

I almost have my wings, grabbing them is the hard part.

I do this for those brothers and sisters who have lost a brother or sister, because I believe, right now, our voices are not heard.

i just want them back.

cleanse.

you dont have to hurt anymore.

when everybody else is taking care of there wounds, you had to take care of yours yourself, and it was lonely. I am sorry. But you are not alone, and that is one thing I will put my life on.

So these are my photos from about the past month, they reflect so many things going on right now, and i have produced alot of shit to get these ones. I was lost for a true idea, and then i found one, with the last maybe 5 that are shot outdoors i really found something that worked. My goal with these new ones, and the ones to come soon are to convey what it feels like to be the brother or sister of a brother or sister who has passed. I believe that although our needs are met after that tragic loss, some people just dont get that it effects us just as much as it does our parents, but they focus on our parents. And this could just be me trying to find something to complain about, but it is not, it is what happened to me, it is how it felt and how it feels now, and i am only able to do this because of my finally opened mind, it is admittedly not all the way open but its getting there. And for anyone who loves and cares about me, the only thing they need to really know about my photography is that it has been a great teacher, mentor and friend, and it keeps me sober and happy. I love you all, with all my heart.

i feel fine, its just troubling

private. too private. too much. too little. I will air on the side of complete and upfront honesty until someone tells me to shut up.

my stomach

it always comes back to this, me, it.

not for self centeredness, but for the fact that all i know is myself, and I need help, and need to give help to myself, and accept it of others.

a new beginning

This is just a beginning, I have no clue where it will go, but it is only going to get better and stronger. Both life and printing will be better, more full, and stronger. This was supposed to be a more narrative idea, but the single prints were just to strong to really dilute them into a long story, and the last one on here is what i was planning on doing, but it really doesnt work for what i am going for now. Photography has quite literally saved my life, because when i step into the darkroom I start smiling and just get so fucking high i cant even explain it. Thank you for viewing them, and if you dont understand them, I am so grateful that you even looked.

In my opinion these are my best prints ever created, and that makes this turmoil of being sober that much better.

This one goes out to all who suffer.

Love

Nicholas

if you want to learn how to lie, ask me.

I have learned to lie very well.

to tell myself what i want to hear.

to only let myself feel what i want to feel.

my photos the past year were a lie.

it was easier to tell that truth.

to be honest with that.

but that was not the truth.

it was a lie.

I was suffering.

I was lost.

I was lying.

They were all small truths.

But 12 ounces of truth is not the whole truth.

the whole truth is that....cant finish that line.

Got to lie again.

summer 2010 from drunk to sober(in no particular order)

I recently decided to get sober after a fall I had this summer, It has been 2.5 years since i started drinking and it has been fun, sad, but mostly a downer. I was just trying to cover up feelings and my true emotions, and it was probably some deep phycological shit I do not even realize at this point. But i am back and at full throttle with nothing stopping me now, well at least hopefully. And i am just really excited to see what i will create now with this new view and second chance to show the people at Humboldt that i have met what i am truly capable of in the form of art and the form of loving and compassion, and actually giving a shit. Not that I did not give a shit, but it was just subdued by the booze in my system, or lack of booze in my system at all times. Because if I wasnt drinking i was most likely hung over, or just out of it. And now i am actually laughing and smiling which is something new for me.

Enough of my pity party...Lets PARTY!!!

same old same old, I gotta find something new

I got to find something new to do with this shit!...it will come, someday.